The Cast Iron Pizza that Almost Wasn’t

Jiminy Shitballs. This was a trial.

A stoney friend at work informed me that he regularly cooks pizza pies in a cast iron skillet like some sort of old-timey baked baker of baked goods…Weed. Anywho,  I first tried this recipe using the semi-edible bleached silly putty in a cardboard wrapping paper tube ( which is stocked between the egg section and the Sunny-D for some reason). It tasted OK but said tube inexplicably rolls out into a rectangle. What the shit. Is this the defacto pizza shape? A Rhombus?!? I jammed this square peg into a round hole so to speak, with mixed results. Attempting to make a round dough from the rubbery tube mass was like trying to keep a dog in a bath tub. The pizza was tasty enough but the presentation looked like, as the Spaniards say, *RAT DICK* . But, today I sought to attempt one more pizza with another cold dough injection from Poppin’ Fresh. I journeyed to my local Winco to wade through a sea of pajama pants, neck tattoos, and adult illiteracy to procure my ingredients. Alas, there was no pre-made dough. Undeterred, I burned another half hour of my day travelling to a near by Wal-Mart and BEHOLD! — no fucking pizza fuck dough shit. To the goddamn Safeway now, SIGHHHHHHH. Again, the tube was not to be seen (touché, Universe), but they sold a Ziploc bag with a ball of dough inside.  A billion hours later I got home with the ingredients for my favorite style of pizza:

  • One ball of Hen’s Teeth pizza dough, left out to warm to room temp, because, yay! even more time spent on this
  • 1lb  log of spicy pork or chicken sausage, cooked and crumbled
  • One half small red onion, diced
  • Sliced jalapeños
  • Pizza sauce
  • Italian blend shredded cheese
  • 2 Tbsp Olive oil
  • Gorgonzola cheese
  • Frank’s Buffalo sauce
  • The 5 year old open bag of flour in your pantry.

Here is a picture of the ingredients for readers that um, don’t wanna read:

The fruits of a wasted afternoon.


Preheat your dirty oven to 425° Fahrenheit (fuck you, metric system) and heat your 12″ cast iron skillet on the stovetop to medium heat.


Dust the preheated skillet with weevil ridden flour.

  1. Spread the dough into a rough circle shape before putting in the pan.


One more kick in the figurative balls in my mini-quest to make my own pizza.

2. Place the hopefully round dough in the heated pan.

3. Spread the olive oil over the dough. 

Do these next steps involving the toppings somewhat quickly so you don’t burn the dough.

4. Spread 4-6 Tbsp pizza sauce on the dough, or however the fuck much you want.

5. Cover the sauce with shredded cheese and onion.

6. Add jalapeños. I was forced to use neutered peppers for my spice sensitive fiancee.

“Don’t forgetta the Midol either!”


7. Drizzle pizza with Frank’s Buffalo sauce and add crumbled gorgonzola and some of the cooked sausage. Save the rest of the meat for a super yummers Tex-Mex inspired omelette the next morning! Or jam it in your butthole, I don’t give a fuck.

8. Put skillet in the oven for 10-12 minutes.

I forgot to take a picture of the finished dish because…

…well, you know.

It turned out good. My fiance and her mother inexplicably ate their slices with a fork, in some sort of bizzare, hereditary, misplaced sense of culinary etiquette.

What planet am I on?

Given that the cosmos/Greek Gods/ secret Grocer’s cabal conspired against me in my search for leavened dough, the melty reward was not in proportion to the fiasco of craptacularness I experienced driving all over creation. But on a normal day, this a quick and easy meal that is exponentially better than the frozen cardboard frisbee bedazzled with mechanically separated hog anus that you bought at the AM-PM on the way home from work, you Philistine.

Let me know how yours turns out! (Hopefully it involves far less fuckery).